Completely Inappropriate

Proof as to why one should not finger a Mexican woman when she's on her period 

Good Neighbors

Bad neighbors don't.  Really bad neighbors shit on the sidewalk instead of using the toilet. 

Not a good omen

For the future of the marriage

Let's just hope he's not the groom

Deity Golf

At my first class on Buddhism and comedy, I was surprised and disappointed that not one joke was made about Buddha statues and miniature golf.  Surprised because there are two professional comedians in my class and disappointed because the class is so serious.  However, the lack of mentioning the obvious in a serious environment leaves the door wide open for people like me.

So let me welcome you to my Equal Opportunity Deity Miniature Golf Course.  After years of miniature golf courses that only represented one of the forms of the All Mighty, I have to say that through a series of visions, dreams and that darn plague of locusts that plumb near killed my tomato plants last week, it became clear that some of the other incarnations wanted to be represented, too.  So here is your club and ball; please follow me to the first hole where you can see after an easy straight putt, the green rounds off to a circle where we have Lord Krishna playing a flute.  You should have no problem getting the ball into the lotus blossom at his feet in 3 strokes or less, but watch out for the petals, they can pop the ball right outta there.  If you accidentally get some air and the ball goes into the cow's mouth next to him, you'll have to start from the tee and count the missed shots.

Hole number two brings us to Ganesh- Ganesh the elephant God is tricky one.  Tee off and try to ricochet your ball off of that obstacle and get it into the corner there.  See, most mini golf courses got a windmill that goes around and blocks the hole, but we have Ganesh's trunk.  So for your second shot, get your timing right and in ya go.

The third hole is the veteran of miniature golf- the big, laughing Buddha.  Now I know, it's hard to avoid hitting the Buddha or hell, any of the deities when you're playing, but if you chip the paint or make a dent in my deities, you'll be penalized two strokes.  So, tee up, and aim for any of the four noble truth holes.  If you come to any great realizations when you make the hole, feel free to share them on the Chalkboard of Enlightenment next to the refreshment stand which while specializing in vegetarian fare, is also known for our meat dishes such as the spiced Lamb of God (served with a side of delicious yogurt sauce) and adult beverages such as the award winning 2009 vintage Blood of Christ (red and white).

For our next hole, tee up and aim for the couch.  Careful not to undershoot when putting over those two big hills, you don't want to get stuck in the middle.  Nice and easy.  After you get onto the green, bank your ball off of that big TV that's broadcasting ESPN and that should line you up nicely to get into the cup that's embedded in that upturned football helmet.  You see, we made this hole for people who worship sports instead of God.  

Now this fifth hole has a lot of circles- try to avoid getting stuck in the miniature Stonehenge.  After you clear that, you'll aim for that round globe that looks like a cross between the earth and a lady's hooha.  It's kinda hard to see with all the moss, but don't worry about where the hole is, just keep putting around.  You'll know when you get it in.  Yeah, you nailed it- Paganism.

So for the sixth hole, we have God the Almighty, white beard, mean temper and all.  It looks like an easy hole, but watch out for those thunderbolts!  They'll smite your ball faster than you can say "Boo!"


Now I know that it looks like there's no deity or obstacles on the seventh hole, and that it should be a hole in one, but the hole of the Holy Spirit  has a big-ass wind machine that'll blow your ball off course juuuust before it gets in the hole, and then on the other side of the hole are the tongues of fire that'll singe whatever's left.

The last hole we have the Risen Christ.  It's not too difficult except for the sin and unsaved holes scattered around the green that'll swallow up your ball and you won't get a prize.  Just keep your hands real steady and aim for one of the two stigmata holes at his feet.  It'll take your ball, but don't worry, you'll see it again.  If you get it in the hole, you'll get a coupon that entitles you to another round after three days.

Oh man, this was the toughest hole!  All uphill! 

Sushi

If a Japanese restaurant offered discounts on Pearl Harbor Day, would it be considered completely inappropriate or the least they could do, given the relatively high cost of good sushi?

If it went over well, perhaps other industries could become involved.  I can see it now: 

Pearl Harbor Day Sale!  50% off all 

Sony, Mitsubishi and Toshiba electronics! 

This Seat Reserved

Last night, I sat in a reserved seat at a film festival event.  After the film, the sign stuck to my backside as I was getting up.  This got me to thinking- there should be a line of clothing for women that is the opposite of the Victoria's Secret Pink line or the Juicy Couture line.  The Pink and Juicy lines are for lack of a better word, a bit slutty.  Sweatpants or shorts with the words "Sexy" or "Juicy" emblazoned on the seat  are not the message that some women want to send.  I propose a line of more conservative garments for women and post-pubescent girls.  Instead of advertising what delights lie underneath said shorts, how about the word "Reserved"?  It could indicate a general conservative nature or that someone is not available.  To send an even clearer message regarding one's character and preferences, how about running shorts with the 🚫 (no) symbol?  For those who want to send a more religious message, maybe a cross with the words "Shame on You" The line could be called the V. Mary Chastity line.*

*belts not included 

Word Play

What do you call prostitutes who are forced to walk through the Alps in the middle of winter?