Those Fabulous Pearly Gates

So as many of you know, the leader of the Westboro Baptist Church, Fred Phelps recently died.  While this has elicited a variety of responses across the web, I was inspired by my walk through Chelsea last night- I was half awake this morning, dreamily musing that poor Freddie was going to be in for quite a surprise.  I imagined the following scene:  Fred walks up to the sparkly front desk to the left of the (open) pearly gates.  A disco ball gently rotates over said gates, throwing off flashes of heavenly disco light.  St. Peter, bare chested and tanned looks up from his computer console that never crashes (Steve J. hooked them up), flashes a brilliant smile and says, "Hiiii, welcome to heaven, here's your white Speedo!"

 Now you might be wondering, why is Freddie automatically welcomed into heaven?  Well, because God is a loving creator who forgives and welcomes all of Her creations, that's why.  But back to our story.  As you can imagine, Freddie is surprised and somewhat upset, to say the least.  So Peter comes out from behind the desk and unsuccessfully, tries to calm him down.  The commotion draws the attention of some of the boys- Andrew, James and John stroll out of the gates, margaritas in hand, also looking tanned and fit in their white Speedos and tasteful accessories (Andrew and John have a lot of chest hair, but they both keep it nicely manscaped).  James throws an arm into the air, "Peter, what's all the commotion?  The new guest is going to miss the talent show if he doesn't hurry up and change."  Freddie is sputtering and turning a rather unflattering shade of purple.

Meanwhile, the rest of the boys have been contacted telepathically about the amusing display of ignorant humanity and Matthew, Thomas, Philip, Bart, Simon, Jude, L. James (who had the L changed from Little to Long ages ago), and Jude E. (who is known for his Judy Garland impersonation act) show up.  Fred is beside himself.  "You mean you're all gay??!!"  "What about the Bible?  But what about Leviticus?   Peter gently tries to explain to Fred that the Bible was written thousands of years ago and is a reflection of the cultural beliefs of the time and shouldn't be taken literally, but Fred will have none of it.  "This is an outrage!  I demand to talk to God!!"    

Peter sighs and says, "Matthew, could you go and get God?"  Matthew walks up the white marble steps behind the front desk and opens a pair of large white doors.  After what seems like an eternity to poor Fred, out steps God, who has a striking resemblance to Ru Paul in looks and bearing.  Ru Paul nee God regally descends the steps in a fabulous sparkling white and silver Versace gown and approaches the now slack-jawed and silent Fred.  God pauses for a moment and then says, "I understand that heaven is not what you were expecting, Mr. Phelps.  Honey, I put you on earth to love ALL of my creation.  What you choose to do with that energy and passion, was entirely up to you.  As you can see, we are all one family here; and that family is made of love."  Sister Sledge's "We Are Family" starts to play and the apostles start to move to the groove.  This proves to be too much for Freddie- he screams "Noooooo!!!!'' and bolts down the stairs. 

God rolls her eyes, and picks up the phone at the reception desk.  "Yes, Luce, it's God.  I have another one coming your way."  Now we know that there is no such thing as eternal damnation, and that hell is more of a place for Luce (nee Lucifer) to babysit those who believe that they are separate from God.  On the other end, Luce who has a striking resemblance to Harvey Fierstein, takes a drag from his cigarette and says, "No problem, God.  I'll put him with the others.  See you at the mixer next month- kisses!" 


The End.